Let’s firstly look at why and how this develops. I acknowledge some of these stereotypical examples are changing; however, generally speaking, they are still accurate.

The little girl is given dolls to care for. She is given miniature kitchens to play in and pretends to serve others. She learns that when she takes care of her siblings and when she offers her make-believe cakes to her family she is rewarded with praise. The young girl observes her surroundings. The people in positions of authority are mostly men. She learns that men must be the important people.

The teenage girl, driven by her hormones craves attention from boys. She learns to attract boys but as the one in the submissive position of the interaction. She learns that boys prefer her seemingly more attractive girlfriend. She learns to compete with other females. And when he picks her friend instead of her, she learns resentment, perceived failure, and the feeling of inadequacy. She must be inadequate because otherwise he would have picked her!

The young woman copies her peers in the way they dress, the way they speak, the celebrities they follow. She learns to be submissive to others and craves their approval. As she grows up, she is part of the social dialogue surrounding engagements, weddings, and finding a partner to marry. In contrast, the dialogue surrounding her brother is about achievement, career, and goals.

Even though she attends college and does well, her friends are getting engaged and many young women feel the pressure to be seen with a great guy. The belief is: “If I can have a great boyfriend, I will be seen to be socially successful”.

The woman enters an organization. She looks around and observes there are more men than women. The women are not supportive. She will experience the look, the sarcastic comment, the deadly silence from other women. If she’s attractive it’s worse. Other women are jealous. She craves approval. She is ambitious but learns to hold back. The need for approval overcomes the need to be successful.

In meetings she says timidly, “If it’s OK I’d just like to say…” “I’m not sure if this is relevant but…” “Sorry to interrupt but…”

This psychological state, developed since a little girl, holds women back from becoming the powerful, influential leaders and agents of change they can and should be. There are many steps to take.

STOP CRITICIZING

First, stop criticizing other women. Those women who devalue other women are ultimately devaluing themselves. I’m not saying for a minute there are not some women around who are simply nasty towards others in the same way that men are. However, I do propose that women support each other more, thus altering the balance of the negative influence scale surrounding the typical woman of today.

ELIMINATE THE QUALIFIERS

Second, eliminate the qualifiers in your use of language. When you’re next in that important meeting, instead of saying “If it’s OK, could I just say that I don’t necessarily agree with what was just said,” say “I don’t agree with what was just said for the following reasons…”

USE YOUR VOICE

Third, learn how to use your voice in a way that attracts consistent perceptions of confidence and competence. If you’re someone who is not taken seriously in meetings perhaps that’s because your voice sounds apologetic and quiet. You have as much right to be heard as anyone else in that meeting. The question is, do you SOUND like you believe you have that right! We are part of the animal kingdom. Animals will attack or ignore the weaker animal. Especially humans.

DON'T DEPEND ON OTHERS FOR VALIDATION

Finally, teach yourself to not be dependent on others for your own validation. If you know you gave it your best shot that should be all the validation you need. Yes, of course it’s nice to receive praise and positive feedback. But see it as the ‘icing on the cake’ not something you need in order to feel confident. The one person who is the best validator of you…is you.

Lynda Jackson has an intensive two-day program in public speaking specifically addressing the challenges women face as speakers. Lynda also works with intimate groups of up to 6 women in an intensive, transformational coaching environment. She will teach you that acquiring power and influence by becoming an excellent communicator and public speaker is not only critical for your career development, it is critical for your personal confidence.

When women generally become as confident as their male counterparts, there will be less jealousy, less insecurity and more celebration of each other’s achievements. Consequently, women will rise to the top, occupy influential roles, and slowly improve the state of the world.